Example of abusers manipulation and confidence in his manipulation

A common practice in Family Court and divorce settlements is including gag-order clauses. The intent of these clauses is to protect the child (if there are any) from having one parent bash the other, or finding one parent’s Facebook post bashing their other parent. Seems reasonable. The problem is if there is domestic violence in the relationship. Gag Orders where there is domestic violence silences and hurts the victim while protecting the abuser.

I was not in a place to tell anyone what had been happening in my relationship with my husband, how crazy it had become in the last couple of years, what was going on at the latest duty station in El Paso, and definitely not the trauma of the night and following week of Christmas Eve, 2022. Divorce waits for no one, and so while I was hiding out in bed wishing I could sleep through the rest of the month, my husband’s attorney was sending me divorce settlement offers. Sandwiched in the settlement stipulations were gag orders. Not that I did not have trust in our justice system, but I could see how things had been swinging for me thus far and research showed that having a judge approve gag-orders for a divorce settlement were a very real reality.

Realizing that I may be shut-down from the freedom to tell my story once a judge was involved and the desire to just have one blast notification as to what was happening to me and where I was for all the people that were messaging, texting, and calling – I put a snip-it of what was happening as my Facebook cover. I put a small collage of photos of some of the injuries I sustained as a result of abuse. My husband was quick to post on his personal Facebook page and then to send private messages to mutual friends who had commented on my post. That message he sent to people was the perfect example of how abusers gaslight, manipulate, and the confidence they feel in themselves that no one will call them out and that they will be safe in their actions. I made this video to show just how blatant his lies were from his post. It is bonkers to me! How could he even think any of that sounded believable or that the photos would match with the dialog he was putting out there. On top of it – he was putting a story out there in writing, so when I showed more evidence, what then? I’ll tell you what, he will just as confidently change his story again – the same thing he has done our entire relationship.

Sometimes I get frustrated when I think of people supporting and believing him; but then I remember – I was in the same boat. I can’t expect anyone else to be any better than me. I simply hope that the next woman will have the benefit of knowing my experience and that his family will hold him to be accountable to changing his behavior and drinking so that his son doesn’t continue the abuse.