Letting go of things, finding calm

I have been going through my divorce for almost six month now, and the date for the divorce hearing is in two more months, August 11, 2023. The only thing that I have been super focused on wanting is “my stuff”. My husband is active-duty Army. The Army has a regulation that mandates my husband has to give me a certain amount of money each month (if I’m not living in housing provided by him) until the divorce. There are also other benefits that my lawyer could ask he give me; but, the money was never important to me. What I was holding onto so tightly as direly important, were things like a newspaper clipping, a beach towel, a picture frame. I had so much emotion, energy, you name it – wrapped up in “my stuff”.

Almost no one would appease my fixation on “my stuff”. I have had arguments with my parents over my all-encompassing need to get my stuff. They would tell me – “just let him have it”, “we don’t want to store a bunch of your stuff”, “you don’t need to pay money to get a bunch of junk and then pay money to store it”. I would get so frustrated that I couldn’t make my family understand the “whys” of why I needed my stuff so badly. In conversations, people like my sister would keep repeating, “by WHYYYYY?”

On a logical level, yes, I know that everyone is correct in that the amount of …everything… that I had been placing on this stuff was not reasonable; especially knowing that being out of the house, I’m not guaranteed that my husband has not trashed items, sold items, given items away, smuggled items out of the house. I’m also not guaranteed that a judge in Texas would make sure that I was given my stuff purchased prior to the marriage in the divorce.

For me, so much value was hung up in my stuff, because my husband spent so much time telling me that I had added no value to our home, to him as a wife, to my stepchildren as a bonus-mom, to his family, to his military career. It’s been something that has been the thing I get so upset about and he loves to “hit” me with because I never really figured out how to “not care” or turn numb to the assault on value that I added to our family and him.

“My stuff” was the visual, the tangible of something that I provided. If I took all of my stuff, he would be forced to see and admit, and his family and friends would be forced to see that I did provide – that I did have value. He couldn’t spin tales to his family and friends that I just mooched off of him – when in reality – it was the complete opposite.

I met my husband in South Korea. I was teaching English and he was there with the Army. He had an apartment with nothing on the walls, no picture frames on tables, no throw blankets over couches, no magnets on a fridge – very sterile. It was a pre-furnished apartment that he added nothing to, but his huge television and an Xbox. What I did not know then, that I found out on my own later, was that my husband had two families – and one he was still married to and had moved out of Korea and back to the states just 10 months before we started talking and 11 months before we met in person. When I followed my husband back to the states from Korea (still under the impression that he had never been married and had no children), he had rented a house in Alabama and had nothing in the house. There was very limited kitchenware, there was an L-shaped sectional, a large matching ottoman, his big screen TV that sat on an old wooden cabinet, a very cheap kids’ table used as the dining table, an inversion table, a vacuum, some cardboard boxes of old military uniforms, an old futon reminiscent of university dorm rooms, a king bed in the master room and a nice full or queen sleigh bed in the guest room, a dresser with a small TV in the master bedroom, a small side table on my side of the bed, a couple of white baskets marked with the Army’s lending closet tags, an odd “wtf-is-this” rolling side table and lamp – also both marked with Yongsan lending closet tags in the guest room, and three nicely framed Marilyn Monroe prints as the sole decor up around the house. Lol, I remember his Skyping me from Alabama while I was still in Korea and him giving me a “tour” and he asked if I like Marilyn Monroe and I said, “well, I can see you do.”

My husband’s statement that he had nothing when he left Korea and arrived in the states.

It turns out that all of the furniture in the living room and the sleigh bed in the guest room actually belonged to a woman he was cheating on me with while I was still in Korea (I returned to the states 6 months after him). They had gotten into a fight and he ghosted her and would not return her items that she lent him to furnish his house because his three children were coming to spend Christmas with him and he needed a bed and furniture for them. He told me he had purchased the furniture second-hand from an “old woman with a lot of cats”. HAHAHA, I mean, I don’t know if she had “a lot of cats”, I do know she was not “old”, but older than him. He had nothing, because when his wife and her children left Korea and returned to the states, she the items they had in their storage locker, leaving my now husband with nothing but some unusable items.

I returned to the states to a man who was in debt and had no household goods. My grandfather was moving into assisted-living and was vastly downsizing. My parents brought me many of the items from his house including larger items like a dining table and chairs, sofa-bed, LazyBoy recliner, twin size mattress, box spring, and frame, lamps, coffee maker, loads of kitchen-wear. I also had my items that I stored with different friends and family members that I drove to Virginia from Alabama to get and use for our home – including all of the decor, more kitchen items, shelving, lamps, another bed mattress and boxsprings, laundry room items, gardening items, china cabinet, holiday decorations, bathroom items, and on and on.

I didn’t have a job when I returned to the states to live with my husband. While I did not have an income, I was still paying him the rent on the house, I was paying my husband for bills, I paid for all costs associated with the move of items from Virginia to Alabama, in addition to purchasing items to start my own life in the US – like a car. During this time, my husband was able to help save his income and get out of debt thanks to my contributions, while I was running through my savings.

After getting a job, I continued to use my money to update items around the house – new ironing board and iron, new towel sets and sheets, beach towels for vacations, patio furniture, decorations for holidays and seasons, throw pillows for couches, bedding and supplies for his kids, babysitter and activities for his children while we were at work, and much more. My husband provided basically – jack shit to our home.

So now, now that he has gotten himself out of debt, now that I had to quit my job that provided me a paycheck, insurance and retirement to follow him in his military career, now that I had to quit a second job due to his youngest son coming to live with us full-time during a global Pandemic after his mother tragically overdosed…now he wants to paint me as someone that did not pay their dues nor go above and beyond for him, his career, his children, his family? This is why I was so wrapped up in my stuff. Taking all of my stuff with me – showed that his words were lies. Taking all of my stuff – meant that everyone could really see visually what I provided. Taking all of my stuff – meant the onus was on him rebuild.

When my family hounded me about the “whys”, I just told them that I was not in a mental or emotional place to have to work out the “whys” – I just wanted all of my things and that once I returned to Virginia with them, I would then move on to the next step of deciding what was really necessary, what I could sell, what I could donate, and what needed to be trashed. But, the universe, God – had different plans and jumped in to release me from that hyper-focus and anxiety.

At the start of my divorce, when hiring my lawyer, I stressed the importance of my items. Texas law states that you take whatever is yours pre marriage and anything brought in post-marriage is 50/50. My lawyer kept telling me that we would have to wait until the hearing for the judge to confirm the division of the property. I was terrified to go back to Texas to get my dog, cat, laptop, emergency items because I did not want the judicial system to see that as me having taken what I wanted; and I knew I could not afford another trip back to Texas to get things for another time. I waited impatiently.

My husband was set to graduate fro the Sergeant Major Academy at Fort Bliss in mid-late June, so we all knew there were deadlines coming. My husband’s attorney sent over divorce offers that were highly circumspect listing that I could have my items and my husband his – but the language was that I could have my items “that were stored in the El Paso house”. The language for him, did not list a location, leaving me to believe that he was already removing items from the house and hiding my property from me. I told this to my lawyer and that I was not signing paperwork with language like that. Then, we received a notice that Troy was moving out and now we needed to divide the property early or he was taking it all- before the judge would decide. If there were discrepancies when I got there, we’d bring it up with the judge at the end. I was so stressed-out over this because my research led me to believe that if he did walk out with all of my things and I wanted to argue it with the judge, then the most that was going to happen was the judge would order him to pay a depreciated value of the items taken. So, he gets to continue his lie about the items being his contribution and he’s such a great provider, and he doesn’t have to bear the burden of starting a household over, and if I’m given money at a depreciated value – I can’t buy a new couch with 1/3 couch money – leaving me with the unjust burden.

We ended up having a TRO hearing in May where my husband said he and his son would vacate the house and be out of state in Colorado while I came safely to El Paso to organize what was mine in the house. I had asked that at this hearing we make lists of items, so that I wasn’t wasting my time and money going there, only for him to have taken my stuff out of the house and leaving me with nada. The judge approved the dates, but there was no request for the lists of items to be made. Then, a week before I was to arrive in El Paso, I got an “emergency” call and email from my lawyer stating my husband changed his moving date and is taking things out of the house now. His lawyer wanted to know if I’d like… and listed maybe five things from the house, and if I’d approve him taking…x,y,z. I wrote back – no, I don’t approve of him taking anything from the house! Call the police – he’s stealing!

And here I sit a few days before I’m to be in El Paso – with fate taking control. The decision is done for me. All of that fear and obsession- it’s out of my hands and in God’s as he wanted it to be. I feel an immense amount of peace knowing that I have no choice but to let it go. It is also a wonderful and appreciated reminder to me that God is in this too, and he is letting me know that he is here and playing a role – to trust in him. I forget often that he is here, that he is an option, that I can talk to him and even leave some things in his care so I can continue to focus on bringing education, healing, improvements.

I hope that those who find themselves in similar shoes as me, or those about to go through a process like mine are able to trust in the process; and know that in the end, it really will all be okay. If I was able to find peace after having the control over and confirmation that my belongings would get back into my hands taken away – ANYONE will find and feel that peace too. I am going on the assumption that I have nothing in the house, that there is a good chance I’m wasting my money with the UHAUL; but that I always tried to lead a life where I didn’t place a lot of value on things. At the end of the day, I will get my animals after six months, I will get to see a couple of great friends while I am there, I will get to take an epic road trip with my best friend since I was fifteen. Plus, the smaller trailer is better for me and renting a smaller storage unit is much better on my wallet!

Email sent to my husband December 15, 2023 to have written proof that he knew I was taking items from my stepson’s bedroom, so that when he did not prepare and have a new bed, desk, dresser, hangers, desk chair, etc for my stepson – that he couldn’t manipulate the situation and tell everyone that I “stole” things from his child while they were in Florida for Christmas.