“There are only two types of people in the end”

I’ve not been able to read a book since leaving jail. In jail, I read to save my sanity and the life of my baby. Since jail, I cannot read a single paragraph without my mind wandering elsewhere. I find that I have either not turned pages, nor continued reading while lost in thought; or I will find that I have gone over the lines and turned pages and have no idea what I have just “read” while lost in thought.

Since returning from El Paso with my animals and what was left of my belongings that I could fit in a 9’11” x 6’3” x 6’1” box, I’ve had some peace and some desire to pick-up a book. The room I’m staying in at my parents’ house also houses hundreds of books on shelves. There are even shelves for books built into the bed frame’s headboard. I picked one up the other day; its title caught my attention. While I still cannot concentrate enough to get through the first pages without reading and re-reading; those first pages opened an entire world of thought, questions, and debate.

The book is C.S. Lewis’ 1942, “The Screwtape Letters: A devil’s diabolical advice for the capturing of the human heart”. In the preface, written by Clyde S. Kilby, he writes, “‘There are only two kinds of people in the end,’ says Lewis, ‘those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says, in the end, “Thy will be done.”’”  

Well, crap. How does one determine the line between leaving one’s life to God’s will and living one’s life with meeting their goals and desires? What are the signs that you are doing what God wants versus going down the wrong path and doing what you want?

This path I am on, in this moment in time… I know that many of these firsts posts and videos that are “outing” my husband will seem tactless, graceless, airing dirty laundry, and immature to some; but, I don’t know that there is a graceful way to begin cutting through the weeds on this path. For me, these beginning videos and posts are important for many reasons – to out someone who has been able to hide and hurt many for years and I don’t want him to do that anymore to another woman or to his son, to show others who may be in a similar situation that they are not alone and they have an ally in me, to show others the things that were going on in my relationship and to know these are indeed red flags and not okay, to shine a light on the systems in place that failed in my situation, and lastly – to help myself heal with letting it out and no longer holding in these dirty little secrets that only benefit the abuser.

I pray at least once a day to God to ask him to let me know if what I am doing is not what he wants. I pray for God to give me a sign; but not a sign as rude as sending my ass back to jail. I challenge myself to consider if what I went through in my relationship and then with the Army and the “justice” system, was to put me on God’s path to advocate for education, justice, and reform in these areas.

I re-read the line, “God’s will be done”. Does this mean that if I am on the correct path that it should be smooth sailing? That if I am encountering resistance – that it is God sending me a sign that this is not the correct path? That seems a reasonable deduction; but then you think of anyone who has made any type of change for the better or done something extraordinary – they will tell of all the hurdles they had to overcome to get to these places. Jesus Christ was even nailed to a damn cross and killed a slow and agonizing death. That’s a preeeeeetty huge hurdle there for doing God’s will; leading us to deduce that doing God’s will and God’s work doesn’t mean it will be easy and painless. A stronger argument for “thy will be done” is not an impassive prayer of resignation.

I do not believe that we are meant to resign and throw in the towel at any sign of resistance – taking it as a sign of God’s will. From something as small as Michael Jordan being cut from his basketball team and not quitting, taking that as a sign of God’s will, but working harder and becoming the best of all time; to an African man being kidnapped from his homeland, chained, and forced to live and work as an enslaved animal – “god’s will for my people to live this way” – no way!

Maybe the line in determining if it is God’s will, is found with Jesus and Kind David, who both stated that you will feel satisfaction when you are following God’s will. “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work” Jesus said in John 4:36. King David wrote in Psalm 40:8, “I delight to do your will, O my God.”

While I do feel an overwhelming sense that God has led me here because I am the woman for this job of his – even these lines from Jesus and King David leave room for more interpretation, questions, and debate in my own mind.

And of course, the day I am posting this, I turn the television on and it is on the movie, Evan Almighty. In the scene with God (Morgan Freeman) and Evan’s wife, Joan (Lauren Graham), God says that people pray and he doesn’t give them what they pray for – he gives them opportunities to get what they are praying for. We have to take action.

I think, for myself, I will leave it with how I have been managing this entire process – with honesty. Honesty in knowing that at a minimum I’m expressing the truth and my intentions are for the overall good. I trust in God that he is taking me on this journey, and I know it feels right in my heart, soul, and gut. I will also acknowledge that my steps in this journey may have been or will be clumsy once hindsight comes into play because this is quite the trauma and the experience; but that I am open to change and evolution as time passes.

Christian minister and writer, Mary Fairchild writes, “So, when you pray, go ahead and pray honestly. God understands our weaknesses. Jesus understands our human struggles. Cry out with all of the anguish in your soul, just as Jesus did. God can take it.” In Matthew 26:39 NLT, when Jesus knew of his impending painful crucifixion, Jesus “bowed with his face to the ground, praying, ‘My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.’”

“What does it mean to pray, “thy will be done’”?. (n.d.) Retrieved [July 01, 2023], from https://www.compellingtruth.org/thy-will-be-done.html.

“What happens after death?”. (n.d.)  Retrieved [July 01, 2023], from https://www.quotequestions.org/what-happens-after-death.html.

”Not my will but yours be done”. (Fairchild, Mary) Retrieved [July 01, 2023], from https://www.learnreligions.com/not-my-will-but-yours-be-done-day-225-701740.

Photo Attribution: “Image by jcomp on Freepik”