Yeah, some triggers make me angry

“Triggered” has become one of those overused words the last couple of years, and it makes me nervous to use any word that really makes the circles in the world of domestic abuse because I know that for me, I almost shutdown when the first words out of every single post I read are, “my narcissistic ex”. I find myself raising an antenna to the next words that come out of that person’s mouth. Why? – no idea; and it makes me furious with myself, because if I’m being honest, I want to start my story with what I’m pretty sure too – “my narcissistic husband…” lol. I don’t delve into the thought behind it, because I don’t have that mental stamina at this stage of my journey. If I was to toss out an opinion without having thought into it, I think it has to do with not wanting to turn people off who don’t have experience with DV, I don’t want to sound derogatory or hateful right off the bat about a person. Who knows – not me – not at this moment, I’m just trying to make sure I put on deodorant every day. For another post.

One thing that frustrates me is when I’m talking with a friend or family member and something they are talking about that I don’t even really care about and has nothing to do with me triggers me. In my experience as it is happening, I don’t really think I’m seeming offended or irritated, but every time I can notice the shift in the other person and even them saying, “you seem offended”, “you seem to really care”. Then, I’m not really sure how to stop going down the shithead path I’m on and reverse and it ends with someone being irritated with me and me with myself for not feeling like I was able to circle the conversation back around to a neutral and happy area.

I do tell myself that “it is okay” and to “give yourself some grace”, but it doesn’t change the fact that I offended someone and that changes their day – and not for the better. I don’t want to be a person that causes irritation to others. I stress so much daily about staying out of others’ way and impeeding their lives as little as possible, so it really stays with me and bothers me for a long time when I have actively irritated someone and represented myself as an asshat.

Here is my example: I’m visiting my oldest sister. She works for a military base. While we were out for a morning walk over the weekend, housekeeping called her to say that they found a baby goat’s head sitting on the mantle in the house that the Air Force Special Forces group was using. Later that day, I ask my sister the follow-up to what that was about b/c there are no wild goats in this area – so where did this baby come from. She just starts her story with, “they killed it, ate the meat, put the head on the mantle. No one wants to get them in trouble and I have to understand these guys are used to being out on special ops and the only things they have to eat are what they hunt…” I just basically torpedo in from my recliner about how I find it bullshit to say that men and women chosen to be the creme de la creme are so fucking daft that they are unable in their brains to decipher if they are out on a special ops mission in the night ranges of Syria; or if they are on a cush mountain lodge killing someone’s baby goat. Like…the actaul fuck? And then not reporting this – these men and women are trained to be able to get away with doing anything they want with no reprecussions. So, today – they were able to go on private property and kill someone’s baby goat in a town that their taxpayers are hosting them and supporting them. Tomorrow, it’s going to be their spouse, and who along the lined trained them that they have these powers and protects those powers – their own military. It blows my mind and does irritate me. But, I did not need to be rude to my sister and I absolutely was. She answered my question with what others’ did and I responded agitated and then when I went to repeat something she said, I did it in a mocking voice. What an asshole.

This is another example of why my website has this name – because as we are going through this process, it isn’t pretty, emotions you didn’t know were there pop up, your reactions are not always Grade A, you cannot present yourself as gracefully as you would hope you would. It is okay. It is okay that i overreacted. I understand how I spoke to my sister was not fair to her and it was not kind to her. I can think on this and work through why it bothers me and I can be open with my sister and tell her that. Tell her that I did not expect to over-react to what she said. Tell her that I am sorry for my tone and words. Tell her that I love her and appreciate her, and tell her that I am sorry.

Remember, there is no roadmap to this journey you are on. Emotions and reactions may pop out of no where and you may even surprise yourself. We’re healing, educating, and growing. So, be kind to yourself and it’s okay to explain yourself and apologize for your part in something that wasn’t as graceful as we had hoped to be.