The covert way Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) can start

After I had come forward with the abuses that were going on my home at the hands of my husband, I was often met with confusion – people wanted to know, “why didn’t you just leave?”

I had no explanation for them. I couldn’t explain it for myself. I think the reasons it was difficult for others, as well as myself, to comprehend how I found myself where I did was because

I am an educated woman.

I am a well-traveled woman.

I had a career and my own money.

I am a strong woman.

I have a large close-knit family.

I am involved in the communities that I have lived.

So how then, can I not just say, “this is unhealthy, this is toxic, this is dangerous, I need to get away from here.”

Annette Oltmans is the founder of, The M3nd Project. She is an Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) survivor and now advocate and educator. In the below interview she does a really great job explaining how often victims do not even know that they are experiencing domestic violence because it can be a new experience for some and we cannot comprehend what is going on and we do not have the words and definitions to put with what is happening. It can be an entirely foreign experience.

I related so much to what Annette was saying in this clip. I also remember finding her website once I was in Virginia and out of my abusive home and really feeling a connection with so much of the information that her organization was putting out there. They were defining and explaining things that I was experiencing but did not have the ability to define or explain.

In my own relationship, I remember when I started to become aware that what I was experiencing from my husband was much more nefarious than I had tried to reason it to be. It was from seeing a simple word over and over again. It was in 2020 or 2021, and I remember honing in on the word, “gaslighting”. When I started to hear it – it was everywhere, and it was being written up as an overused word that was annoying people to hear and read everywhere. For me, that word was a lightbulb moment. I was able, in a one-sentence definition, to comprehend something that was happening to me in my relationship and that it was an actual technique of abusers.

That small tidbit of knowledge allowed me to put so much into perspective. That one morsel of knowledge allowed me to look differently at the future actions of my husband. That knowledge allowed me to alter my interactions, responses, and boundaries with the people in my household. That knowledge allowed me to understand that this was a much bigger monster than I could slay alone; and that if we were going to have a healthy relationship and family– we would need professional help – that I didn’t stand a chance on my own asking him to come to the table with mutual respect, love, and support.

This is a reason why I think it is important for me to share my story and experiences; and to hopefully encourage others to do the same. Knowledge is power. We need to educate men and women. I do believe that some abusers may be using these aggressive and bullying actions because it is what they have seen and learned. If they are not given the knowledge, how can we expect them to do better. If victims are in these abusive relationships, without the knowledge, they too may think this is just the “worse” in “for better or worse”.

Destigmatizing and finding places to have these conversations are important for ending IPV and DV.

This interview clip was taken from “Training Professionals to recognize Abuse” | Annette Oltmans’ Interview | Mad in Love Podcast with Dr. David Hawkins